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 HelloReturn to index of stories... |
Hello. I'm Allison McNair. Welcome to NH Outlook. |
| Preshow #1 Return to index of stories... |
We're more than half way through summer vacation - Are your kids pushing your buttons? We'll have some tips on how to survive. |
| Preshow #2 Return to index of stories... |
And we'll visit a unique chapel hidden away from the hustle and bustle of the seacoast. |
| Intro Teen Dating Violence Return to index of stories... |
But first, when you think about teen dating, you might think about that first date, first kiss, or exchanging class rings. But there's another side to teen dating for some young people. The relationship turns violent. But, why would a young person be violent with his or her partner and why would that partner stay? Recently an international conference in Portsmouth brought together hundreds of experts to try and find answers. |
| Teen Dating Violence Return to index of stories... |
Narrator - For many teens in America and in New Hampshire, worries about dating violence are a fact of life. The statistics tell us that it's a problem that's worse than many of us ever thought. v While reading statistics - A shot of the poster at A Safe Place. 26:38 Close up on Love Isn't… poster Statistics - According to a study in The Journal of the American Medical Association, one in five high-school-age girls has been abused, physically and/or sexually. Young women between the ages of 16 and 24 experience the highest rates of violence by current or former intimate partners. Forty percent of teenage girls between the ages of 14 and 17 report knowing someone their age who has been hit or beaten by a boyfriend. And, according to UNH researchers, one-third of male and female high school students are involved in violent relationships. v Narrator - Recently, the Sheraton Hotel in Portsmouth hosted the International Family Violence Research Conference. In its eighth year, the conference is sponsored by the Family Research Laboratory and the Crimes Against Children Research Center, both at the University of New Hampshire. One of the many topics that were covered during the 4 day conference, was the issue of violence in teenage dating relationships. The conference brought together about 300 researchers from 14 countries around the world. Many of them spend their lives trying to answer hard questions like - why is this abuse such a problem? How does it start? What explains why they do it? Well, we know that first of all they have attitudes that are supportive of it. They have the belief that their friends are using physical aggression when in fact that may not be the case. And there is fairly consistent evidence that kids that are from homes where violence was a part of their background are more likely to be aggressive. But, I would like to quickly emphasize that that is not the cause of all aggression. Many kids engage in physical aggression against their dating partner who have never seen their mom hit their dad or their dad hit their mom and have never heard such aggression. I think unfortunately we live in a culture where they see a lot of models of aggression, on television, in movies and so forth. If you want to know what is the single most important predictor of whether somebody's going to do this you basically look at whether they use a lot of verbal aggression, whether they tend to be controlling, be they male or female, and whether they tend to be an individual who engages in jealous tactics against a partner. So, those things are quite predictive of whether they will do it and whether they will do it on the first instance. They may never have done it, but if you know that constellation of things, that is that they are argumentative, that they use jealous, controlling tactics, they're the ones that are most likely to start this on the first occasion. v PSA - shows jealousy and control tactics Narrator: But, what causes someone to become a victim of such a relationship? v One of the things that you find, one of the things that predicts when kids are going to be victimized again, say in college, is if they are abuse survivors and they feel a lot of shame and self-blame, it's kind of like how they start thinking about themselves. There was this one college study that looked at that specifically and found that shame predicted, if young women felt a lot of shame about their earlier abuse, they were much, much more likely to be raped on a college campus. I think part of it is they won't necessarily act self-protectively and they just kind of figure that this is the way the world is. It really undermines that sense of self-protection. Substance abuse a lot of times ties in too. I've certainly talked to a number of women that that's been a factor for. One of the things that's difficult is how do you ask those questions without blaming the victim. That's one of the issues that's come up. If you want to find out what were the circumstances that led to this current rape to ask somebody well, were you drunk, were you high. You want to find that out on one hand but on the other hand you don't want to blame the victim for her victimization. Narrator - Here in New Hampshire, there are resources for teenagers that are involved in violent relationships. For 25 years one of those resources has been A Safe Place in Portsmouth. It provides not only a shelter for battered women, but also someone to listen. They see violence in relationships on a daily basis and they have an understanding of how it happens. Interview with Annie Venier from A Safe Place. 01:54 It starts just like any other relationship, which means in the beginning it's probably fun, it's exciting, butterflies in your stomach. It's. that person seems almost too good to be true, you're putting your best side forward, they're putting their best side forward, and that's what the beginning of a relationship feels like pretty much across the board. So, just really emphasizing the fact that the abuse doesn't happen on the first date, that these things aren't really apparent right away and that usually the abuse, when it's starting, is usually really gradual, that it's building up in really subtle ways. 02:57 Over time, the abusive partner is asking the boyfriend or girlfriend to give up a little bit here, give up a little bit there, and before they know it, they've isolated their partner from friends, from family, from school, from work, from all the activities and hobbies that they used to love to do. And if you're going to be brainwashing someone, that's the best way to do it, to really isolate them from outside feedback. Narrator: Probably one of the most common questions that people ask is, with all the abuse and unhappiness, why would anyone stay in such a relationship? First of all there's so much pressure on teens to be in a relationship. That comes from the media, from society, maybe sometimes even from parents, from other teens. And so, just feeling like sometimes being in a relationship, having someone is better than not having someone, even if it's not so great, even if they don't treat you that great. You know that happens with adults too, but I think particularly in a high school setting, that's really, really powerful. often times, people who are being abused say, well, I don't want the relationship to end, I just want the abuse to end. So, there's this sort of predictable cycle that happens in an abusive relationship where in the first phase, the tension building phase, that's the longest phase, and then eventually there'll be some kind of explosion, the verbal, physical, sexual assault, that's the shortest stage. Right after that is when the victim's most likely to reach out for help but then eventually the abusive partner starts to use love, and promises to change, in order to manipulate their partner, instead of using abuse and hurt. It's a different way of controlling them. And so, every time the partner does something, they might say, I promise I'll never do this again, or, if you only did things the way I asked you to I wouldn't have to do these things, I wouldn't lose control. So, the survivor, the victim is feeling like there's this wonderful side to this person and this horrible side to this person and they really feel like they want to give the person the benefit of the doubt. So, that cycle just keeps cycling. And what we know about that cycle is it increases in frequency and intensity over time so it gets worse over time. So, that's one really crucial thing is still feeling in love with the partner, or still loving that side of the person. Narrator - With so many teenagers involved in abusive relationships, what can we do as a community to help? There are ways that such aggression can be lessened and I think that it needs to be done for all kids in schools, that is it should be universal, there should be programs that deal with all of them. But, I also think that there's a segment of our school population that is on an aggressive path, quite an aggressive path by the time they are 12 years old. So, I think that, we really need a kind of two pronged attack, one that effects everybody and one that is much more concentrated and more lengthy for kids that are at higher risk for what we would see as the real battering kind of problems later on. Narrator - Since its incorporation in 1978, A Safe Place has sheltered or assisted 13,000 individuals. But, the most important initial help often comes from parents and friends. Annie Venier gives advice to parents who are concerned about their teens. keep the lines of communication open, to let them know that you're there to listen and support them through their decision. Which is really, really hard for a parent, because parents often feel like the bottom line is, I'm the parent and I can lay out this ultimatum, I can lay down these rules. But, what effect that ends up having, if you're saying to your child, your teen, you have to stop seeing this partner, what's going to end up happening is they're going to not disclose to you anymore. You're basically going to be pushing them back to their partner, making them defend their partner, and basically cutting off the lines of communication. So, you definitely don't want to do that. Another great way of framing it is to teach love as a behavior instead of a feeling. Which means saying: Your girlfriend or boyfriend is calling you names, they're cheating on you, they're lying to you, does that behavior feel loving to you? Does that behavior feel good to you? And just helping them think about what behavior does show love and maybe getting them to think about what a healthy relationship might look like. And then talking to them about building a safety plan. You know, whatever you decide to do, if you decide to stay with this girlfriend or boyfriend or not, it might be good to make a plan in case something happens. That's what we do at A Safe Place is talk to people about if X, Y and Z happens how can you get away safely and quickly? How can you get the help that you need? Another really important thing from a parent's point of view is letting them know that a place like A Safe Place is here for teens and for adults. That we're not here to preach or to tell someone what to do no matter what. So parents can even say to their teen, you know you can call them and talk to someone at A Safe Place just so you can talk to someone about how sick you are of everyone breathing down your neck about your relationship. Which can be a good way to help them make that link. Narrator - Sometimes, not getting help can lead to a life-long secret. There was a woman I met at a conference once and I was speaking on the subject of breast feeding and the sexual abuse survivor. She came up and introduced herself during the break and told me that as a teenager she had been raped by several classmates. She never told anyone. She had to see these kids every single day at school. And then she went on and married and had a family and she had said how much this experience had influenced her as a mother. And she had never told anybody, I was actually the first person she'd ever told. And that's heartbreaking to me. You know, why was I the first person? Didn't anybody in this young girl's life notice? There must have been signs. But what a heartbreaking thing that she didn't feel like she had anyone to confide in so she tells a speaker at a conference. Narrator - But, how do you know what signs to look for, how to tell if your son or daughter is in this kind of relationship? If you start to see your son or daughter giving up the things that they used to be really involved in, the things that they really loved to do, because they feel compelled to spend time with their partner. So, in other words, they're not able to have a life of their own as well as have a relationship with their partner, because their partner is saying that those things aren't okay. Other things, definitely if you see jealousy on the part of the abusive partner, that's definitely a huge warning sign, that possessiveness which can get really lethal down the line. Another thing to keep your eyes open for is if your teen's partner has a history of using violence to deal with conflict, so they're getting in fights at school all the time, getting kicked out because of fighting, losing a job because of fighting. That's definitely a big warning sign that's how they deal with things when they don't go their way. Also, if you see your son or daughter starting to make excuses for their partner, maybe you are noticing things and commenting on them, "Oh, I notice that your partner did such and such or was calling you names." And your son or daughter saying, oh, they were only kidding, it's no big deal, everyone acts like this, it's none of your business. Narrator: According to Venier, one of the most difficult things about trying to escape from an abusive relationship, is the feeling of isolation, of being alone without anyone who understands you. I think the first thing to really keep in mind is that you're not alone, you don't have to go through this alone. The other really crucial message that I would send out to teens or adults who think they may be abused is that it can take so many different forms, that it can be physical sometimes, but it can also be verbal abuse, emotional, psychological abuse, mind games, sexual abuse, financial abuse and control, and general isolation. So, it doesn't have to be physical to be real and to be scary, that all abuse can be really devastating. The last really important message is that at A Safe Place we see people of all walks of life, that it doesn't only happen to one type of person. So, whether people are highly educated or not, all different races, different religions, different ages, it can effect any type of person. And we're here to help and give options and support no matter what. |
| Tag Dating Violence Return to index of stories... |
If you or anyone you know of is involved in an abusive relationship, and needs to seek help - contact the New Hampshire Coalition Against Domestic and Sexual Violence. For help with domestic violence call toll-free 1-866-644-3574 to be connected to the crisis center nearest you. For sexual assault, call 1-800-277-5570. |
| Intro Discussion Return to index of stories... |
As a parent - when you hear about dating violence, you hope that if your child ever ended up in that situation, he or she would come to you for help. Keeping the lines of communication open between parent and child is a always a work in progress. But it can be especially challenging if your child's behavior tests your limits. Here to talk about that is Bonnie Harris, Bonnie is the author of the book "When your Kids Push Your Buttons and What You Can Do About It".she lives in New Hampshire and is family counselor in Peterborough. Thank you for being here. |
| Bonnie Harris Return to index of stories... |
Allison: THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR COMING IN, BONNIE. THANK YOU FOR HAVING ME. Allison: LET'S TAKE A SAMPLE OR SCENARIO OF A CASE WHERE A KID MIGHT BE PUSHING A PARENT'S BUTTON. THE TYPICAL ONE THAT I THINK OF IS IN THE GROCERY STORE, WAITING IN LINE TO CHECK OUT. THE CHILD ENDS UP HAVING A TEMPER TANTRUM. THE PARENT MAY TRY TO IGNORE IT AND CONTINUE DOING WHAT HE OR SHE IS DOING. WHAT CAN YOU TELL US ABOUT THAT? IS THAT ALWAYS THE BEST THING TO DO, JUST IGNORE IT AND GET THROUGH THE CHECKOUT LINE? WELL, I DON'T THINK IGNORING IT, ACTUALLY. BUT WHAT OFTEN HAPPENS-- THIS IS WHAT I PUT UNDER THE APPROVAL BUTTON-- WHAT HAPPENS IS THE PARENTS ARE SO AWARE OF WHAT OTHER PEOPLE ARE THINKING OF THEM-- WHETHER THEY ARE OR NOT-- THAT THEY THINK ALL EYES ON THEM. AND SO OFTEN WE GET INTO THE SITUATION WHERE WE'RE MORE CONCERNED ABOUT WHAT A STRANGER THINKS OF WHAT WE'RE DOING THAN WHAT OUR CHILD ACTUALLY NEEDS IN THE MOMENT. I THINK A GOOD THING TO DO IN THAT CASE IS TO JUST LEAVE YOUR CART RIGHT WHERE IT IS, PICK UP YOUR CHILD, GO OUTSIDE, EVEN SIT DOWN ON THE SIDEWALK AGAINST THE BUILDING OR SOMETHING AND JUST TALK. GET YOUR CHILD OUT OF THE SITUATION AND THEN YOU CAN GO BACK WHEN THINGS ARE CALMED DOWN. Allison: DOES EVERYONE HAVE THE SAME BUTTONS? NO, NO. EVERYONE HAS DIFFERENT BUTTONS, BECAUSE THOSE BUTTONS COME FROM A LONG TIME AGO. FROM THE TIMES WHEN WE WERE CHILDREN AND THE MESSAGES THAT WE GOT FROM OUR PARENTS. WHAT HAPPENS IS THAT PARENTS-- WITH ALL BEST INTENTIONS OF TEACHING THEIR CHILDREN APPROPRIATE BEHAVIOR-- WILL CRITICIZE OR PUNISH OR YELL IN A CERTAIN WAY THAT WE AS LITTLE CHILDREN TAKE IN IN A DIFFERENT WAY. WE HEAR IT. WE DON'T HEAR WHAT THE INTENTION OF THE PARENT IS. AND IF THE PARENT'S BUTTON HAS BEEN PUSHED, THAT INTENTION GETS ALL MIXED UP AND COMES OUT VERY DIFFERENT THAN WHAT THE PARENT INTENDS IN THE FIRST PLACE. SO THEN THE CHILD HEARS A MESSAGE LIKE, "I'M BAD, I'M WRONG, NOBODY UNDERSTANDS ME, I'M NEVER GOOD ENOUGH, I CAN'T EVER DO ANYTHING TO GET MOMMY HAPPY WITH ME." AND WE AS LITTLE CHILDREN DON'T QUESTION OUR PARENTS, WE QUESTIONS OURSELVES. AND WE DECIDE THAT WE'RE THE ONES WHO ARE WRONG. AND SO WE PUT THOSE MESSAGES WAY BACK IN WHAT I CALL THE ATTIC OF OUR SUBCONSCIOUS AND WE CAN KIND OF KEEP THEM BACK THERE FOR A LONG TIME. BUT THEN THEY'RE CERTAIN THINGS THAT HAPPEN IN OUR LIVES AND IT DOESN'T ONLY HAPPEN WITH OUR CHILDREN. BUT DEFINITELY WITH OUR CHILDREN, THEY'LL SAY THAT CERTAIN THING AND IT'LL HIT THAT SORE SPOT, AND WE'LL REACT AND GO ON AUTOMATIC. Allison: SO LET'S TAKE ANOTHER EXAMPLE. SAY YOU'RE TRYING TO GET READY IN THE MORNING. YOU HAVE TO GO TO WORK, DROP YOUR CHILD OFF AT THE DAYCARE CENTER. THEY'RE REALLY SLOW AT GETTING READY. YOU JUST GET MORE AND MORE WORKED UP UNTIL YOU YELL. "COME ON, WE'RE LATE EVERY DAY. YOU ALWAYS DO THIS TO ME." WHAT SHOULD YOU DO INSTEAD THEN? WELL, THERE'S SO MANY DIFFERENT THINGS, IT'S HARD TO SAY. BUT WHAT'S GOING ON THERE IS THAT WE AS PARENTS HAVE AGENDAS AND VERY IMPORTANT AGENDAS: GETTING TO WORK ON TIME, GETTING YOUR CHILD TO SCHOOL OR DAYCARE ON TIME. BUT WHAT WE DON'T REALIZE IS THAT OUR CHILDREN NOT ONLY HAVE THEIR OWN AGENDAS, BUT THEY HAVE AGENDAS THAT ARE JUST AS IMPORTANT TO THEM AS OUR AGENDAS ARE TO US. SO, THAT DOESN'T MEAN, "OH, OKAY, WE WON'T GO TO SCHOOL TODAY, IF YOU WANT TO STAY IN YOUR PAJAMAS," BUT IT DOES MEAN UNDERSTANDING THAT YOUR CHILD IS NOT PUSHING YOUR BUTTON ON PURPOSE, IS NOT OUT TO GET YOU, IS NOT TRYING TO RUIN YOUR DAY. YOUR CHILD IS JUST TRYING TO GET HER AGENDA MET. SO WHETHER IT'S FINISHING THAT BLOCK TOWER, STAYING IN BED A LITTLE LONGER, NOT WANTING TO PUT ON CLOTHES BECAUSE THAT MEANS IT'S TIME TO GET OUT OF THE HOUSE. AND IF WE CAN LOOK AT THAT AGENDA AND UNDERSTAND WHAT'S GOING ON WITH OUR CHILD, INSTEAD OF THINKING, "HOW CAN SHE BE SO DISRESPECTFUL? WHY IS SHE BEING SUCH A BRAT?" THAT'S WHAT PUSHES OUR BUTTON, THOSE ASSUMPTIONS THAT WE MAKE ABOUT OUR CHILDREN. Allison: NOW I KNOW YOU GIVE THE EXAMPLE OF SOMEONE BUILDING BLOCKS, AND, YOU KNOW, MOM OR DAD HAS TO GO TO WORK AND SAYS, "LET'S GO." THE CHILD SAYS, "I DON'T WANT TO, I DON'T WANT TO." AND YOU DISCOVER THAT IT'S, "GEE, THEY JUST WANT TO KEEP PLAYING WITH THOSE BLOCKS," WHAT DO YOU DO TO RESOLVE THAT? SO, IT'S IMPORTANT TO UNDERSTAND THAT THE CHILD IS WANTING TO DO THIS, AND SAY. JUST MAYBE SIT RIGHT DOWN OR GET DOWN ON THEIR LEVEL AND SAY, "THIS IS A REALLY IMPORTANT BLOCK TOWER, I CAN TELL. HOW ABOUT YOU PUT ON TWO MORE BLOCKS AND THEN SET UP THE NEXT BLOCK ALREADY TO GO AS SOON AS WE COME HOME?" NOW, THAT IS NO GUARANTEE THAT YOU'RE NOT GOING TO HAVE A TEMPER TANTRUM. BUT, WHAT THE CHILD IS TAKING IN, IS THAT YOU ARE UNDERSTANDING WHAT'S GOING ON WITH HIM. SO HE GETS THAT YOU SEE THAT IT'S IMPORTANT. THE BLOCKS ARE AS IMPORTANT AND HE'S GOING TO BE MORE LIKELY TO DO WHAT YOU SUGGEST. AND IF NOT, YOU JUST THEN KIND OF GIVE A CHOICE AND SAY, "I'LL GIVE YOU TWO MORE MINUTES," AND AT THE END OF THAT, "WE NEED TO GO AND IF YOU'RE NOT READY, I'LL. I'LL PICK YOU UP AND CARRY YOU, AND IT WILL BE EASIER THAT WAY." Allison: NOW, I BET YOU HAVE PARENTS WHO'D SAY, "WELL, WAIT A MINUTE, AREN'T THEN OUR CHILDREN RULING WHAT WE'RE DOING? AREN'T THEY TAKING OVER OR TAKING CONTROL?" WHAT'S YOUR RESPONSE? MY RESPONSE IS THAT WHEN OUR BUTTONS GET PUSHED, WE LOSE CONTROL, WE LOSE AUTHORITY AND OUR CHILDREN KNOW IT. IT JUST FLIES RIGHT OUT THE WINDOW. AND THAT'S WHEN OUR CHILDREN LEARN TO TAKE ADVANTAGE AND LEARN TO MANIPULATE US WHEN WE LOSE THAT. SO, WE ALL WANT TO BE IN CONTROL. WE WANT TO KNOW WHAT WE'RE DOING AND WE WANT TO LIKE WHAT WE'RE DOING WITH OUR CHILDREN. SO WHEN OUR BUTTONS CAN GET DIFFUSED AND WE CAN RESPOND NEUTRALLY AND TAKE THAT AGENDA INTO CONSIDERATION, IT'S NOT SAYING, "OKAY, WE'RE GOING TO STAY HOME BECAUSE YOU WANT TO DO YOUR BLOCK TOWER," IT'S JUST SAYING, "I'M ACKNOWLEDGING THAT YOUR NEEDS ARE JUST AS IMPORTANT TO YOU AS MINE ARE TO ME, AND SO WE'RE GOING TO MAKE A COMPROMISE HERE." AND CHILDREN PICK UP ON THAT. THEY LIKE TO BE TREATED AS EQUAL HUMAN BEINGS. THAT DOESN'T MEAN ON THE SAME LEVEL OF DECISION MAKING. WE NEED TO BE IN CHARGE. CHILDREN NEED TO HAVE LIMITS. THEY NEED TO HAVE STRUCTURE BECAUSE THEY DON'T FEEL SAFE OR CARED FOR WHEN THEY DON'T HAVE THAT. BUT THAT. THAT OLD ARGUMENT, "AREN'T YOU JUST LETTING YOUR KIDS GET AWAY WITH IT?" COMES FROM WHAT WE EXPERIENCED AS CHILDREN OR A LOT OF US, WHERE WE DIDN'T HAVE ANY SAY IN ANYTHING. WE WERE JUST TOLD WHAT TO DO AND WHEN TO DO IT ALL THE TIME. AND SO THAT'S WHAT WE PASS ON TO OUR KIDS. Allison: SO IT'S REALLY JUST KIND OF LISTENING OR. OR UNDERSTANDING THAT THAT PERSON, THAT LITTLE PERSON THAT'S WITH YOU HAS THEIR OWN WANTS AND NEEDS AND MAYBE ACKNOWLEDGE WHAT THEY ARE. EXACTLY. Allison: WHAT ABOUT WITH TEENAGERS? DO THEY. WHEN THEY MAY PUSH A BUTTON, IS IT BECAUSE THEY KNOW WHAT BUTTONS THEY CAN PUSH AND THEY DO IT INTENTIONALLY? IN THAT CASE, DO YOU SAY, "OH, THEY'RE TRYING TO GET TO ME. THEY'RE MAKING ME FEEL AWFUL." OR, AGAIN, IS IT THEM TRYING TO EXPRESS SOME OTHER KIND OF NEED? BOTH. IT COULD BE EITHER. SOMETIMES TEENAGERS HAVE LEARNED OVER THE PAST 12, 14 YEARS, EXACTLY WHAT GETS YOUR GOAT. AND WHEN THEY WANT TO FEEL POWERFUL AND THEY DON'T LIKE BEING CONTROLLED, AS NO ONE DOES, THEY'RE GOING TO PUSH THAT BUTTON ON PURPOSE, AND TRY TO GET THE UPPER HAND THAT WAY. AND THEY LEARN THAT CERTAIN THINGS THEY SAY, LIKE, "YOU KNOW, YOU CAN'T CONTROL ME ANYMORE, I CAN DO JUST WHAT I WANT." THAT'S A HARD THING FOR PARENTS TO HEAR. BUT VERY OFTEN, BUTTONS GET PUSHED BY TEENAGERS BECAUSE OF THIS STAGE OF DEVELOPMENT THAT THEY'RE IN. THEY'RE NOW MOVING OUT ON THEIR OWN. THEY'RE GETTING THEIR INDEPENDENCE. THEY WANT MORE FREEDOM. THEY WANT TO BE AWAY FROM YOU. THEY DON'T WANT TO SPEND ALL THEIR TIME WITH YOU. AND SO IT'S VERY HARD FOR PARENTS TO LET GO, BECAUSE AS WE WERE TALKING ABOUT EARLIER IN THE PROGRAM, THERE'S A LOT OF SCARY STUFF OUT THERE. AND SO WHEN OUR CHILDREN FIGHT FOR IT AND WE FIGHT VERY HARD TO HOLD THEM, OFTEN THAT'S A VERY FERTILE TERRITORY FOR GETTING BUTTONS PUSHED. SO I THINK WE NEED TO, AGAIN, WE NEED TO TAKE THEIR AGENDAS INTO CONSIDERATION. SO IF A TEENAGER IS WANTING TO WEAR CERTAIN CLOTHING THAT WE DON'T APPROVE OF, OR GO TO A CERTAIN PARTY WITH A CERTAIN GROUP OF KIDS THAT WE DON'T APPROVE OF, TO SAY, "NO, YOU CAN'T DO THAT," IS ONLY GOING TO PUSH THEM FURTHER TOWARD THAT CROWD. BUT TO SAY, "THIS IS REALLY IMPORTANT TO YOU. I UNDERSTAND HOW MUCH YOU WANT TO GO TO THIS PARTY. HERE ARE MY CONCERNS. I'M AFRAID OF A, B AND C." SO YOU'RE OWNING IT. YOU'RE NOT SAYING, "YOU CAN'T DO THIS BECAUSE THIS IS DANGEROUS AND YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO IN THIS SITUATION," NOBODY WANTS TO HEAR THAT. Allison: WELL, BONNIE HARRIS, I WANT TO LET FOLKS KNOW THAT WE'LL HAVE A LINK TO MORE INFORMATION ON YOUR BOOK. YOU'VE ALSO GOT SOME GREAT EXERCISES FOR PARENTS TO DO, TOO, WITHIN THE BOOK. AND I WANT TO THANK YOU FOR JOINING US ON "OUTLOOK." THANK YOU. Allison: THANK YOU SO MUCH. |
| Intro Chapel Return to index of stories... |
Summer is the time of year, when many families come together. Maybe even to celebrate a wedding. In the busy city of Portsmouth there's a quiet stand of woods, where a unique chapel can be found. Last year, producer Richard Ager had a chance witness witness one family's celebration in this very special place. |
| Chapel Return to index of stories... |
Richard Ager: In the woods by Little Harbor, a small chapel has been welcoming worshippers and wedding parties for a century. The Little Harbor Chapel, built in 1902 by Arthur Carey, has always been a place for all who cared to visit. John Carey: Founder's Grandson: "Well, this was never built as a private chapel. This was built as a public place of worship. It was very much in keeping with my grandfather's philosophy. " RAger: At first, the chapel reflected Arthur Carey's membership in the Swedenborg church, which espoused the teachings of 17th century philosopher Emmanuel Swedenborg. But after leaving the Swedenborg church, Arthur Carey concluded that denominations were a divisive force and declared his chapel to be nondenominational. John Care: "Here we don't want to be pushing our particular brand of Christianity. We want to come here and just think about the teachings of Jesus and listen to what is said about that. And, uh, not try to talk other people out of what they believe in and not be thinking about how other religious are wrong because they're not like ours. Elly Russo: Little Harbor Chapel Caretaker: "It makes a small wedding look large and if you have a large wedding I tell the brides and grooms 'you've got to book another place, a larger facility because I don't like to put people out." RAger: Sometimes being in the woods means you get uninvited guests like the day a fox crashed the wedding. Elly Russo: "He got about halfway, three-quarters, turned around went right back the way he came. Didn't do a left, didn't do a right: went right outside. I said, 'Thank you, God.' But, hey, everybody's welcome. Justice of the Peace says: "Under the ordinance of God and by the state of New Hampshire, I now pronounce you husband and wife. And what God has put together, let no man put asunder. It's time for you to kiss your bride." Best Man: "I'm very pleased to present to you, Mr. and Mrs. Duane Nadeau." Mark Zatarian/Justice of the Peace: "It's a unique old chapel set in the pines. A lot of history. And if I decide to walk down the aisle, I'll be using this chapel." Richard Ager/NH Outlook: Over the past century, thousands of couples have been married here in the woods at the Little Harbor Chapel. All were attracted by its charm and simplicity, and the bride and groom on this day said the age of the chapel helped them decide. Shannan and Duane Nadeau: "Well it was made in 1902 and we're getting married in 2002 so it was 100 years old. It's meant to be. It's beautiful. It's so us, woodsy and small. Definitely beautiful, definitely. And Now that you've had the wedding, was it everything you hoped? yeah. It was great. Congratulations to both of you. Thank you very much." This small chapel is not a place for fiery oration. Rather, it is a setting for a different minister each summer weekend to connect personally with their congregation. John Carey: It's a real challenge for a minister to keep his or her audience or congregation looking up at the pulpit instead of out the window. And I remember as a young man sitting here many a time and fixing my gaze on the sky and the trees, letting my mind wander freely. RAger: For a hundred years, this little chapel has acquired a special significance in the lives of those who come here, to worship, to marry, or perhaps to just take a break. John Carey: "Well, I think it's significant as a sanctuary, a place of quiet repose. An escape from some of the less attractive things that are happening in the world today. It's a place you can return to and feel that you are getting back to what's important." For NH Outlook, I'm Richard Ager. |
| Web Pointer Return to index of stories... |
What do you think of our program? Connect with us on-line at nhptv.org and tell us what's on your mind. You can also find links to resources used in this broadcast. |
| Tomorrow Return to index of stories... |
On the next New Hampshire Outlook. It's our Friday Edition as journalists from around the state discuss the week's top stories. |
| Goodnight Return to index of stories... |
Until next time, connect with us online at nhptv.org. Thanks for watching. |
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Thanks to our founding sponsors who have provided major funding for the production of New Hampshire Outlook: New Hampshire Charitable Foundation Public Service of New Hampshire Stratford Foundation |
| Tonight 10:00 Return to index of stories... |
Tonight on New Hampshire Outlook. It's our Friday Edition as journalists from around the state discuss the week's top stories. Join us tonight at 10:00 only on New Hampshire Outlook. |
| key: Youth Return to index of stories... |
NEW HAMPSHIRE OUTLOOK Air Date/Time: 7/24/03 22:00 HOST: Allison McNair Length: 20:00 minutes In this edition of New Hampshire Outlook, NHPTV's nightly news magazine, we're more than half way through summer vacation - Are your kids pushing your buttons? We'll have some tips on how to survive. And we'll visit a unique chapel hidden away from the hustle and bustle of the seacoast. But first, when you think about teen dating, you might think about that first date, first kiss, or exchanging class rings. But there's another side to teen dating for some young people. The relationship turns violent. But, why would a young person be violent with his or her partner and why would that partner stay? Recently, an international conference in Portsmouth brought together hundreds of experts to try and find answers. As a parent - when you hear about dating violence, you hope that if your child ever ended up in that situation, he or she would come to you for help. Keeping the lines of communication open between parent and child is a always a work in progress. But it can be especially challenging if your child's behavior tests your limits. Here to talk about that is Bonnie Harris, Bonnie is the author of the book "When your Kids Push Your Buttons and What You Can Do About It".she lives in New Hampshire and is family counselor in Peterborough. PRODUCER/REPORTER: Judith Kucera, Allison McNair NAME OF PARTICIPANTS: K. Daniel O'Leary\University at Stony Brook, Kathleen Kendall-Tackett \Family Research Laboratory, Annie Venier \A Safe Place, Bonnie Harris\Author/Family Counselor |
| key: Family / Marriage Return to index of stories... |
NEW HAMPSHIRE OUTLOOK Air Date/Time: 7/24/03 22:00 HOST: Allison McNair Length: 20:00 minutes In this edition of New Hampshire Outlook, NHPTV's nightly news magazine, we're more than half way through summer vacation - Are your kids pushing your buttons? We'll have some tips on how to survive. And we'll visit a unique chapel hidden away from the hustle and bustle of the seacoast. But first, when you think about teen dating, you might think about that first date, first kiss, or exchanging class rings. But there's another side to teen dating for some young people. The relationship turns violent. But, why would a young person be violent with his or her partner and why would that partner stay? Recently, an international conference in Portsmouth brought together hundreds of experts to try and find answers. As a parent - when you hear about dating violence, you hope that if your child ever ended up in that situation, he or she would come to you for help. Keeping the lines of communication open between parent and child is a always a work in progress. But it can be especially challenging if your child's behavior tests your limits. Here to talk about that is Bonnie Harris, Bonnie is the author of the book "When your Kids Push Your Buttons and What You Can Do About It".she lives in New Hampshire and is family counselor in Peterborough. PRODUCER/REPORTER: Judith Kucera, Allison McNair NAME OF PARTICIPANTS: K. Daniel O'Leary\University at Stony Brook, Kathleen Kendall-Tackett \Family Research Laboratory, Annie Venier \A Safe Place, Bonnie Harris\Author/Family Counselor |
| key: Family / Marriage Return to index of stories... |
NEW HAMPSHIRE OUTLOOK Air Date/Time: 7/24/03 22:00 HOST: Allison McNair Length: 6:00 minutes In this edition of New Hampshire Outlook, NHPTV's nightly news magazine, we're more than half way through summer vacation - Are your kids pushing your buttons? We'll have some tips on how to survive. And we'll visit a unique chapel hidden away from the hustle and bustle of the seacoast. Summer is the time of year, when many families come together. Maybe even to celebrate a wedding. In the busy city of Portsmouth there's a quiet stand of woods, where a unique chapel can be found. Last year, producer Richard Ager had a chance witness witness one family's celebration in this very special place. PRODUCER/REPORTER: Richard Ager NAME OF PARTICIPANTS: John Carey\Founder's Grandson, Elly Russo\Chapel Caretaker, Mark Zatarian\Justice of the Peace, Shannan & Duane Nadeau\Newlyweds |
| key: History Return to index of stories... |
NEW HAMPSHIRE OUTLOOK Air Date/Time: 7/24/03 22:00 HOST: Allison McNair Length: 6:00 minutes In this edition of New Hampshire Outlook, NHPTV's nightly news magazine, we're more than half way through summer vacation - Are your kids pushing your buttons? We'll have some tips on how to survive. And we'll visit a unique chapel hidden away from the hustle and bustle of the seacoast. Summer is the time of year, when many families come together. Maybe even to celebrate a wedding. In the busy city of Portsmouth there's a quiet stand of woods, where a unique chapel can be found. Last year, producer Richard Ager had a chance witness witness one family's celebration in this very special place. PRODUCER/REPORTER: Richard Ager NAME OF PARTICIPANTS: John Carey\Founder's Grandson, Elly Russo\Chapel Caretaker, Mark Zatarian\Justice of the Peace, Shannan & Duane Nadeau\Newlyweds |
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Tonight on New Hampshire Outlook. . Tonight at 10pm on New Hampshire Public Television. |